bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
