At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
