i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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