An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize