I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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