i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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