i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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