Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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