Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
