update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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