got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
