dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize