We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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