I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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