my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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