someone threw a dead crab at me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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