her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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