I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
