sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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