Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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