and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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