He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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