i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
love makes seman taste better
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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