She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
