I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
