Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
