party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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