apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
