i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
