i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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