I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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