So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
