Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
