my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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