We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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