My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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