I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
