The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
