I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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