Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
