did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
