You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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