i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just pee around me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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