i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize