My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
