oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize