I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
