It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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