Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
ugly people sure do ruin things
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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