can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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