filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
