no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
