He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize