A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
