I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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