i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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