Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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