Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
